Marriage, with a little extra on the side

by Leina Ussin

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We’ve all seen her before, whether it was on a movie, television show, or in real life. We’ve either envied her, hated her, or we were secretly rooting for her.

Who is she?

She’s the woman many of us will watch on TV, but pray we never have to encounter.

She is the mistress. The other woman. The side chick.

And just like that, you’re disgusted. “Ugh, how can another woman stoop so low and go after a man in a relationship? Or worse, a married man?” And though there’s no argument that infidelity is wrong, what if this chick is actually the reason your marriage hasn’t failed?

Before we get into any more details, I need to be clear about two things! One, there are many, many, many different types of women who chose to be a mistress for a married man. And though I would love to cover all of them, right now, I’m going to focus on the real side chick.

What makes her real?

She’s the woman who understands what she’s getting herself into. She knows when to call and when not to call; she knows her visits are restricted to the inside of her home; and if she’s legit OK with her role, she’s probably the one giving your husband advice about how to handle the issues he has at home. Most importantly, a real side chick knows she is just that, a side chick. This man will never leave his wife for her, she will not get holidays or more than 40% of his time. She is legit, on the side.

Another thing we need to be clear about, and I’m sorry ladies, but sometimes your man is the pursuer! Yes, I know, there are occasions when they aren’t, but, for argument’s sake, let’s be real. There are married men out there, for whatever reason, who pursue other women. And if this is a man you fell for and married, what makes you think another woman can resist his charms?

Now, according to Divorce Magazine, 40-50% men cheat one their wives, and though I am sure they have their excuses when it boils down to it, they still cheated! And often in society, the male gets less of a bashing than the mistress does.

Why is that?

Because she knew he was married and still entertained him? Or is it because there’s this unwritten code between women that we need to respect each other?

I really hate to be the barrier of bad news, but if you’re assuming another woman is going to respect your marriage simply because you’re married, you’re sadly mistaken!

There are women out there who are OK with being a side chick/mistress. They are there strictly to attend to your husband’s needs. She’s an ear when he needs to vent, a getaway when the pressures of home life get too tough, or she’s that go-to person when that thing you don’t want to try in the bedroom means more to him than he’s let on!

And truth be told, if she’s a real side chick, that quality time you think she’s worried about, she could care less about it! She loves her freedom! She’s not tied down, has no expectations but to be there when he comes, and most importantly, if this married man walks away, there are no hard feelings. Hey, there’s even a possibility she loves him and is content with their relationship. You’d be surprised by how many women actually want to go to sleep alone at night!

Again, this is if you’re dealing with a real side chick!

“So, why doesn’t he just leave? If he wants to cheat, why not just leave and go be with her?”

And this question makes the most logical sense. But sometimes, it’s really not what’s in a man’s heart. Ladies, honestly, how many times have you caught your spouse cheating and he’s begged to stay? He’s declared his undying love for you and said his affair was a mistake! He’ll end it and wants to work on your marriage?

If you’ve never experienced it, GREAT, but you’ve definitely seen it enough on TV to know what I’m talking about.

Though I am breaking every rule as a woman right now, I have to admit, your man may be telling the truth. He loves you! There’s never been a doubt in his mind about that. He’s been stressed and needed an outlet! Maybe you guys have kids and he’s feeling neglected? Maybe work is too much, but he has to stay strong in your eyes? Hell, maybe he’s not sexually satisfied, but he loves you! Either way, you’re his forever, and he got caught up in a temporary situation. And that temporary situation made him realize, as crazy as this sounds, how much he wants to be with you!

Now, I know I will get bashed by all the taken/married women out there, and I need to emphasize to you guys, I don’t condone cheating! Heck, I am married and I’ll snatch someone up quick for trying to sabotage that! Marriage is a commitment that should be taken seriously on both ends!

Oh yes, ladies, I said both because we have affairs too! We’re all familiar with the term “side dude,” so let’s not throw men completely under the bus on this subject!

Whether it was for conversation, money, or food, you’ve toyed around with another man in some way, shape, or form because there was just something lacking between you and your spouse. You love your man, and you’re not going anywhere. But there’s just something about this secret lover on the side you can’t let go of.

To wrap this up, let’s be on the same page about two things guys: cheating is wrong! There are no excuses, there are no reasons, and there are no justifications behind it! Life is too short to be anywhere if you’re unhappy! If can’t talk to your spouse about your issues, you owe it to one another to let it go and find happiness elsewhere. Don’t bring anyone else into your marriage and cause additional issues!

But, if you decide to have an extramarital relationship on the side, be smart about it! 23% of women living in the USA currently have HIV, and though infidelity may not be the leading cause of it, it’s still something to think about!

Just because your side chick is the only person you’re sleeping with the outside of your wife, doesn’t mean your side chick is exclusive! That, and she can end up pregnant, and a fun fling can turn into a child support nightmare real quick! If none of those things scare you, remember, there’s a BIG difference between Kerry Washington on Scandal and Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction!

Now, for my ladies who sign up to side chicks, if you can’t handle the heat, please, stay out of the kitchen! We’re all grown, so there’s no need for temper tantrums when something doesn’t go your way. If you’re looking for the white picket fence, and the three kids, and a dog, get you a single man! Because the chances of a man leaving his wife for you are slim to none. Play your role! There is something that that man is missing, and you simply need to fill it! If you feel yourself catching feelings, ABORT MISSION! Don’t invest in something you know you’ll never have!

And even if he did leave his wife for you, ask yourself this, would you want a man who divorced his wife of God knows how many years, for a woman, he just met? See where I am going with this?

And last, but not least, to all my married women out there, eye-rolling at me for attempting to shed some light on this situation, keep that same energy when you’re blasting, “The Weekend,” by SZA, or any song by any other artist condoning a secret lover on the side! Or when you find yourself bundled up watching another movie/TV show about a strong woman who falls in love with a married man, and you’re secretly rooting for her to win!

Remember, that woman can easily be a woman side-eyeing your husband!